Santa was kind to SEC Banter this Christmas. I got the hottest gift of the holiday season: a Sarcastic SEC Bowl Predictor.
No doubt you’ve seen the Sarcastic SEC Bowl Predictor infomercial. It promises to drastically increase the sarcasm and accuracy of predictions from professional bowl prognosticators, such as myself.
But wait, there’s more! Buy one Sarcastic SEC Bowl Predictor and you receive an SEC Cocktail Thing-A-Ma-Jigger, absolutely free! Not sure what that is but hey, why not.
While I’m thoroughly more interested in the predictor’s sarcasm quotient than its accuracy, let’s take it for a test drive through the SEC bowl games in the order they’ll be played.
Music City Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Georgia Tech. It took a while to assemble the Sarcastic SEC Bowl Predictor, so this bowl may have already happened by press time. But I predict Ole Miss shocks the Yellow Jackets by strategically placing the famously attractive Ole Miss coeds near the Tech bench. Overwhelmed by the sight (after all, Tech certainly hasn’t seen any beauties on its campus), the Jackets fall to the Rebels.
Liberty Bowl: Rice vs. Mississippi State. Fans in Memphis who ditch this awful game and hit the Rendezvous for some legendary barbecue ribs will liberate themselves. Those unable to escape will witness an utterly forgettable Mississippi State win over Rice.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Duke vs. Texas A&M. In his last collegiate contest, Johnny Manziel guides A&M to a win with a football in one hand and a spicy chicken sandwich in the other. The Chick-fil-A cows paint a huge sign outside the Georgia Dome that reads, “Jonnee Futball Winz the Chikin Bole.”
Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Georgia. What an exciting and novel match up we have here! These teams haven’t squared off since ... last year’s bowl game. And Georgia fans haven’t seen the Dawgs play in Jacksonville since ... almost every single year since 1933. Hopefully UGA’s players are more amped up than Bulldogs fans and beat the Huskers for a second straight year.
Capital One Bowl: Wisconsin vs. South Carolina. Gamecocks star defensive end Jadeveon Clowney may have notched more speeding tickets (he’s received two from South Carolina state troopers in the past few weeks) than he’ll have tackles in this game, as Clowney looks to protect his multi-million dollar NFL future. The result is a Wisconsin win.
Outback Bowl: Iowa vs. LSU. The Tigers only care about playing Alabama and other big-time SEC opponents, and Les Miles is 1-3 in the past four bowl games. Not even free bloomin’ onions from Outback Steakhouse will save LSU from itself and a lackadaisical performance in a loss to Iowa.
Sugar Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Alabama. Nick Saban and Bob Stoops battle it out in the Big Easy, just as they did ten years ago when Saban coached LSU to victory over Oklahoma for the national championship. The Tide may suffer from the old ailment of “We’re Not Playing In The National Championship For The First Time In Like 8 Years So We Don’t Care About This Game,” but will beat the Sooners nonetheless.
Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Missouri. Not sure why the Cotton Bowl selected two Big 12 teams for its bowl, but Mizzou cruises to victory and validates its season.
Compass Bowl: Vanderbilt vs. Houston. I needed a compass to locate this bowl. I thought it was played in Houston. Turns out it’s in Birmingham, which detracts from the bowl since Birmingham lacks an El Tiempo restaurant, famous in Houston for its fajitas and lethal margaritas. In any event, the Commodores beat the Cougars in the Magic City (I have no clue why that’s B-ham’s nickname).
BCS National Championship: Florida State vs. Auburn. FSU looks to cap a perfect season while Auburn continues that whole “team of destiny” thing. I predict the Seminoles will dominate but, with .0000001 second left in the game, Auburn scores touchdowns on offense, defense, and on special teams to miraculously win.
We’ll see if this Sarcastic SEC Bowl Predictor is legit. Happy New Year and it’s been a blast bringing you SEC Banter this football season.
Now to my free SEC Cocktail Thing-A-Ma-Jigger. Turns out it’s just a plastic cup with the SEC logo and directions that read, “Add alcohol and your favorite mixer.” Easy enough!
Ben Prevost is a contributing columnist for The Times. Follow him on Twitter @SECbanter or contact him at SECbanter@hotmail.com.