Gadzooks! Is it 2018 already? I’m not even over the Y2K scare yet.
You remember Y2K. Our computers were going to melt on the first day of January 2000 and we were going to be left in the dark with no telephones and no electricity and riots in the street.
As you will recall, that fateful day came and went and all our computers kept working. All except Barney, my laptop, who has turned melting into an art form, especially when I am on deadline. Barney considers Y2K a national holiday.
Now, here it is 2018. Hopefully, Barney will stay in a good mood long enough for me to report to you the prognostications of Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Ga.
Not only is Junior a much-sought observer on the body politic, he is also a pest control professional. That means he is an expert on pests be they running around the halls of Congress or roaming around in Aunt Flossy Felmer’s drawers.
Junior seemed none too happy to hear from me. I asked why. He said he saw where a reader who isn’t crazy about my columns opined that he was tired of hearing me talk about my “cousin,” meaning Junior. Junior wanted to be sure the reader understood that he got his current position based on merit, not nepotism. I said I would be sure the reader was so informed. Junior E. Lee said also he doubted the guy knew the difference between a caucus and a cricket. I said I was not going to tell him that.
Back to business, I asked Junior what he thought we should be looking for in 2018. He said since this is an election year in Georgia, you will see more posturing and strutting than a rooster with a barnyard full of hens, only a rooster won’t go around promising to cut your taxes, curb government spending and refusing political contributions.
That shouldn’t come as a surprise to any of us, I said, but I didn’t think roosters will appreciate the comparison.
Junior said another big issue to be aware of in 2018 was the effort of the people who want to tear down all the Confederate monuments to start a campaign to change the names of the 14 counties in the state named for Confederate notables. For example, he said, look for Jeff Davis County, named for the Confederate States of America president, to be renamed Lincoln County, in honor of Abraham Lincoln. There already is a Lincoln County in Georgia, I said, although it was named for Revolutionary War hero Gen. Benjamin Lincoln, not Abraham. Well, it just shows how hard their job is going to be, sniffed Junior. He doesn’t like for me to show him up.
I reminded Junior that Amazon is looking for a second headquarters and was planning to invest $5 billion in the construction of the facility. Atlanta’s name has been mentioned prominently as a site, and I wondered if he had any inside knowledge of where things stood.
He said if Amazon liked city hall corruption, an airport that can’t keep its lights on, more cars on the road than fleas on a dog (here goes Junior E. Lee with his pest control analogies) and sewers that don’t work, Atlanta should be a slam-dunk choice. Plus, the city can brag up a storm if that is important to Amazon. Junior said if Atlanta could suck like it can blow, it would have the Atlantic Ocean at its doorstep.
I asked Junior what worried him the most as he looks at 2018. He said finding a way to keep the ticks off Arveen Ridley’s cows. I told him I appreciated that but that I didn’t think you would and could we stick with current affairs for the moment.
Junior said the Republicans had better be worried about the midterm elections. He says they seem more concerned about being ideologically correct than in getting elected and can’t seem to understand who the enemy is. Junior said if Republicans were in the pest control business, they would spend more time spraying each other than they would spraying the pests.
With that, Junior E. Lee said if I had no more questions, he had to go. He had promised Aunt Flossy Felmer that he would take a peek in her drawers. The man is amazing. I kind of wish he was my cousin.
Dick Yarbrough is a North Georgia resident whose column appears Saturdays and at gainesvilletimes.com. Contact him at email@example.com; P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; via his website, dickyarbrough.com; or www.facebook.com/dickyarb.