Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Xavier Samuel, Taylor Lautner
Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence, and some sensuality
Running time: 124 minutes
Bottom line: Pretty sure you’ve made up your mind about this one already
Dear Teenage Twihards,
It’s none of my business (I know how you feel about adults prying into your affairs), but I’m a little worried that "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" might give you the wrong idea about some things.
First let me say, I get it. It only took me three movies, but I think I finally understand why you like these movies so much. You must think Bella (Kristen Stewart) has it made. She’s totally in love with Edward (Robert Pattinson), and they are going to get married right after graduation then "live" happily ever after, forever after. Plus, he’s so pretty he sparkles in the sun!
But Bella also has Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who pines for her no matter how long his love goes unrequited. (Nobody says "pines" anymore? Oh. It means he’s so consumed by desire for her that it hurts.) And yes, he’s got those deep brown eyes, rock-hard abs and apparently doesn’t own a single shirt.
So not only does Bella have two boys in love with her, but she’s also tortured by the pain she causes them and suffers from some pretty intense longing herself. She’s in a constant state of all-consuming love and anguish, like she’s living through "Romeo and Juliet," "Great Expectations" and an Anne Rice novel all at once. I know, right?
But no matter what the movie says, neither relationship is healthy. You’re all arguing over Team Edward versus Team Jacob, but as someone who has witnessed too many women stuck in bad relationships, I don’t think you should be on either team.
The whole time I was watching "Eclipse," I kept thinking, "Gosh, which stalker should Bella choose? The older stalker with a frightening violent streak who controls her worse than any father ever? Or the younger stalker with a frightening violent streak who refuses to take ‘no’ for an answer?"
The truth is, she shouldn’t choose either. They both have fangs, ladies, no matter how hard these books and movies try to hide them.
I’m sure you already know this, but it’s not OK when the real Edward in your life demands to know where you are at all times and gets angry any time you speak to another boy. And it’s downright dangerous when a real Jacob refuses to believe you don’t love him, no matter what you say to him.
So go see the movie, which you’ll, like, love, by the way. Enjoy the fantasy. But perhaps there’s a Team Bill or Joe or Eugene out there you can join?
Dear Husbands and Boyfriends,
Face it dudes, you’re stuck. Either she’ll drag you to this movie, or she’ll see it with her bestie. It’s in your life either way. Form your support groups now.
But there is good news this time.
Remember how nothing happened during the first two movies? Bella bit her lip, Edward stared, Jacob flexed, and all you could think about is whether your better half had gone insane. I mean, what is the big deal about this skinny British guy, anyway?
Well, there’s actually a story this time. A group of newborn vampires goes on a rampage and seems determined to track down the Cullens. Dakota Fanning and some other Volturi vampires — the real bad asses — show up. There’s even a little bit of carnage.
Hey — settle down, I said "a little bit." I mean, this is Twilight, after all. The vampires sparkle in the sun for crying out loud. Nobody’s getting bloody in these movies. But at least they knock each other around a few times in this one. And the two pretty boys don’t take themselves quite as seriously.
I’m not saying you’ll enjoy it, but this one will hurt less.
Dear Cougar Twihards,
Taylor Lautner is currently 18 years old. At least wait until you’re outside the theater before making oogie sounds about his naked torso. Yeesh!
Jeff Marker is a media studies professor at Gainesville State College.