I have been trying to figure out what to do with my free time now that I have decided not to run for president of the United States (or what’s left of it).
Some of you wrote and asked me to reconsider my decision. I am humbled by your pledges of support, but I don’t want to broach the subject again with the Woman Who Shares My Name. She has access to a lot of broccoli and says she know where she can get more. I had best leave that alone.
One reader told me he would not vote for me because he doesn’t care for my opinions and because one time I used “incur” instead of “occur” in a sentence (or was it the other way around?), but he did like my suggestion to give California back to Mexico. If I had told him I was also planning to give Vermont to Canada, he might have changed his mind about me. It didn’t occur to me that this might have incurred his support. (Or is it the other way around?)
While I will miss campaigning around this great nation of ours and talking to the little people about how I will cut taxes, reduce the size of government, put Carol Burnett’s face on the $20 bill (we can call it “funny money”) and get rid of California and Vermont, I think I have found an important cause to which I intend to make a worthwhile contribution and at the same time not have to deal with my Secret Service detail, who always seem to be talking to their lapels.
Therefore, I am announcing today that I will be volunteering my services to the Nobel Peace Laureates of the world. They are not a bunch of happy campers these days, bless their hearts.
Perhaps you have heard that a meeting of Nobel Peace Laureates scheduled this fall in Malfunction Junction — aka, the city of Atlanta, where the sewers don’t work and neither do a number of its citizens — is in jeopardy.
I’m not sure what has happened except everybody seems to be mad at everybody else, which is a little weird for a group of people who go around touting peace on earth and good will to persons. Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed has said the city won’t be involved in the meeting unless the guy running the thing quits. The guy running the thing says he isn’t quitting and might sue the pants off the city. (Well, not exactly in those words. Folks involved with Nobel Peace Laureates don’t talk like that. But you get my drift.)
Now comes word that State Sen. Jason Carter has quit the group organizing the event, as well as Laura Seydel, Ted Turner’s daughter. The guy running the thing has said the Nobel Peace Laureate equivalent of “cry me a river.” I think I like this guy.
In the meantime, the Permanent Secretariat of The World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates has said that unless Atlanta leaders get things worked out soon, the organization will move the event elsewhere. Easy to say, but just where does the Permanent Secretariat think they would go? Detroit? Jersey City? Gary, Indiana?
Permanent Secretariats need to get out more. Nobody moves north anymore because it snows there 10 months a year and all the buildings are rusted. They all come south, bringing with them their humility and keen sense of humor.
One alternative site being considered by the Peace Poobahs was Climax, Georgia, but the locals there said “no thanks.” The dates would conflict with their annual Swine Time Festival. Organizers say while they appreciate the gesture, pigs attract a higher-caliber crowd than do Nobel Peace Laureates and are much easier to deal with.
Same thing with the city of Sylvester. I intended to ask the movers and shakers there about the possibilities of having the laureates hang out in town one weekend and talk a little peace with the citizenry, but I was informed that Sylvester is tied up at the moment planning its annual Peanut Festival and has all the goobers it can handle.
Clearly, I have my work cut out for me. I am beginning to think that making peace is harder than making war or love. While I’m not sure how all of this is going to turn out, of one thing I am certain: What the Nobel Peace Laureates have incurred should never have occurred. (Or is it the other way around?)