My Fellow Georgians:
I come before you today to submit my annual State of the Column address! (Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!) I can state to you unequivocally that the state of this state cannot be overstated! (Yay! Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
Let me say at the outset that I know that The New York Times (Boo!) will be fact-checking every statement I make. (Boo! Boo!) My friends, it’s a fact that I don’t care what The New York Times thinks! (Standing ovation!)
The year 2017 was one of challenges. I am pleased to tell you that we met those challenges with a barrage of nouns, verbs, subordinate clauses, a few compound sentences and a lot of misplaced commas. And I have only begun to conjugate! (Thunderous applause.)
As has been the longstanding tradition of this column, we were able to offend an ever-growing number of the humor-impaired this past year. (Boo! Pfft!) They include supercilious liberals who have turned tut-tuting into an art form. (Boo! Pfft!) Bible thumpers, who can cite a biblical injunction against women preachers but see nothing wrong with carrying a .357 Magnum to church in case they need to violate that silly commandment about not killing anybody. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Athletic supporters at You-Know-Where Institute of Technology (Buzz! Buzz!) who tell me they wanted UGA scholar-athletes to win the state football championship this year because they intend to “put a whipping on the dogs (sic) next year, as we have done for two of the last four years!” (Roars of laughter! Shouts of “Woof! Woof!” More laughter!)
I discovered this year a heretofore unknown genus of humor-impaired known as genu adducendum est, which translates generally as “knee jerks.” These are the jerks that take a knee whenever they hear the national anthem played, especially if they can get themselves seen on national television. (Pfft! Double pfft!)
They claim they are protesting police brutality. (Boo!) They might want to take a moment and consider those among their number who abuse women, sire babies they will never see — let alone support — and who snort drugs while driving around with unlicensed weapons in their cars. (Shame! Shame!) I consider these knee jerks about as relevant to our society as snail poop. If these bucketheads are role models, Dr. Pepper is a heart surgeon. (Ha! Ha! That’s telling ’em!)
All in all, it was a very good year, but this column can never rest on its glorious past. We must continue to look ahead to the future. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) To quote my esteemed colleague, Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Ga., and a pest control professional: “The past is prologue and the future isn’t analogue.” I have no idea what that means, but Junior would get his feelings hurt if I didn’t mention his name today.
In this coming year, I will continue to push my School Daze initiative in which our intrepid public servants in the legislature (Boo! Hiss!) will spend a thankless week in the classroom while public school teachers get wined and dined under the Gold Dome by lizard-loafered lobbyists! (Yeah! Yeah! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
I will not flinch in my efforts to get Sept. 23 declared a national holiday. That is the birthday of Ray Charles Robinson, of Albany, Ga., the greatest singer in the history of the world. (Amen! You go, Ray Charles Robinson!)
I will continue to fight to make this state broccoli-free while promoting the health benefits of banana pudding! (Hooray! Clap! Clap!) I will oppose illegal immigration by constructing a wall from Dade County to Rabun County and cover it in kudzu so loud-talking, know-it-all Yankees can’t come down here and make fun of how we talk! (Dang right!)
As for the Dreamers — those who are already here — we will let them stay if they learn to drink sweet tea. (Only mild applause.) And finally, I will not rest until there is a national signing day for high school band members on ESPN. (Standing ovation!)
In closing, my fellow Georgians, let me say what a privilege it has been to serve as your modest and much-beloved columnist for another year. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) God bless you. God bless the great state of Georgia and God bless the University of Georgia, the nation’s oldest state-chartered university and the nation with which it stands. Thank you and thank God this chore is over. (Sustained standing ovation!)
Dick Yarbrough is a North Georgia resident. His column appears Saturdays and at gainesvilletimes.com. Contact him at email@example.com; P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; via his website, dickyarbrough.com; or Facebook.