Kids on Halloween employ scare tactics and demand handouts.
Trick-or-treating mixes with football this year, as October 31 falls on a Saturday. This means watching SEC football in costume while binge eating miniature Twix, candy corn and, my favorite, Reese’s peanut butter cups.
You must choose a costume that aligns with your SEC allegiance. Crank up Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” pat your face dry after bobbing for that apple and embark on a costume tour of the nation’s finest football conference, SEC Banter style.
There’s not much room for arrogance, but Georgia fans can poke fun at their archrival Saturday by masquerading as Florida fans during the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party in Gainesville, Fla.
Don some white tennis shoes, faded jorts, tank top and mullet wig.
Good news for Florida fans: Just wear your usual attire!
Missouri has not scored a touchdown in its last 40 offensive possessions. Forty! This is approaching Charlie Brown not kicking the ball status, so he’s an appropriate costume for Mizzou fans – plus his yellow and black shirt matches the Tigers’ colors.
Speaking of Tigers, LSU fans can either dress up like (a) the Heisman Trophy in tribute to superstar running back Leonard Fournette, or (b) Elmer Fudd in tribute to head coach Les Miles.
Under no circumstances should Alabama fans dress up in costume. Nick Saban doesn’t believe in Halloween. And it will distract you from the Tide’s big game.
Actually, I just checked the schedule and Bama doesn’t play this Saturday. Out of an abundance of caution, however, to avoid being yelled at I advise against dressing up if you’re an Alabama fan.
Tennessee has let four fourth quarter leads slip away this season. Banter suggests Vols fans grab something slippery, write the word “Win” on it, grease their hands and run around all night letting said slippery item slip through their fingers, all the while proclaiming how close they are to achieving their goals.
For Mississippi State fans, it’s just too obvious. You are Cousin Eddie for Halloween since your coach, Dan Mullen, bears an uncanny resemblance to the movie character of “Vacation” fame.
If you’re a South Carolina fan, one word for you: Visor.
Who is this Ole Miss team? Early domination, victory in Tuscaloosa, then losses to Florida and Memphis (Memphis???), followed by a decisive win over Texas A&M.
Banter suggests Ole Miss fans dress up as Bud Fox, Charlie Sheen’s ambitious young wannabe titan in the 1987 classic, “Wall Street.” Wear a sign around your neck with the introspective question Bud asked himself at the height of his Wall Street success: “Who Am I?”
I have heard – though cannot say for sure because I haven’t been – that College Station is overrun with dorks or, as some in-the-know folks in Texas call them, goons.
Texas A&M fans should eradicate the problem immediately. Sport some Ghostbusters uniforms complete with proton packs and call yourselves Goonbusters.
Whatever your costume preference, enjoy an SEC Halloween and be safe trick-or-treating.