With six weeks left in the regular season, it’s time to reflect on the teams of the finest conference in all of college football. A just-past-midseason assessment is appropriate given that most SEC teams are off this week — or they might as well be. Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, and Mississippi State are off. Alabama has the equivalent of an off week against Tennessee, as does Arkansas against the menacing Ole Miss Black Bears.
Other than LSU/Auburn, there’s virtually nothing of consequence going on in the SEC this Saturday, so please join me for an in-depth, highly serious look around the conference. And look out, folks, I’m slinging arrows here.
Alabama: The most difficult decision Nick Saban has made all season is how much hair spray to use. After all, how much coaching is required to watch Trent Richardson run all over the field and let your dominating defense smother opposing offenses? That will change in two weeks when Les Miles and his Bayou Bengals come to T-town.
LSU: The most difficult decision Les Miles has made all season is how to construct intelligible sentences. After all, how much coaching is required to watch the Tigers’ host of running backs run all over the field and let your dominating defense smother opposing offenses? That will change in two weeks when Nick Saban and his Crimson Tide await the Tigers in T-town.
Arkansas: The Razorbacks are having another excellent season and are ranked a surprising No. 9 in the BCS rankings. Not surprisingly, no one cares.
Mississippi State: Perhaps the most disappointing team in the conference. It may have something to do with head coach Dan Mullen’s uncanny resemblance to Cousin Eddie from the “Vacation” films. Go ahead and Google Cousin Eddie and then Dan Mullen to see what I’m talking about.
Ole Miss: Pathetic. Just pathetic.
Auburn: The Plainsmen had their time last year, yet we’re still hearing about Cam Newton and the NCAA’s investigation. Auburn, please do us all a favor. Exit at stage left and let LSU and Alabama do their thing.
South Carolina: There may not be another one-loss team in the country more under the radar than South Carolina. They control their own destiny in the SEC East but you get the feeling that neither the Gamecocks themselves nor their once-feared leader believe they can do it. Sad, really.
Georgia: The Dawgs have beaten exactly zero quality teams on their way toward resurrecting their season. A few more wins over more subpar teams puts them in Atlanta as sacrificial lambs for the SEC West champs.
Florida: Urban Meyer left the cupboard bare for Will Muschamp. Let me know if you feel sorry for the Gators.
Tennessee: I heard Tennessee went all the way to London to get Derek Dooley’s orange pants just the right shade of Volunteer orange. Not making this up. I still think the pants are too dark but at least it gives Tennessee fans something to talk about in a disastrous rebuilding year.
Kentucky and Vanderbilt: These two teams are grouped together because there’s really nothing to say about them. Literally nothing.
There you have it. If you missed the first few months of the season, you’re now caught up on the state of the SEC. You’re totally informed about the hair-spray obsessed, goofy, orange-pants wearing, egomaniacal types who coach the best athletes in the country.
Best of luck to your SEC team this weekend. In the meantime, I still can’t get over how much Dan Mullen looks like Cousin Eddie.
Ben Prevost is a contributing columnist for The Times. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.