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SEC Banter: Thoughts of fans from every conference team
Banter
Ben Prevost

So, I bought a puppy at a school fundraising auction Sunday.  

Upon sharing the news with my mother, she asked in an all-too-familiar tone, “What on earth were you thinking?!?”

She then suggested I name the puppy after her childhood dog, Boudreaux Brown, “Bou” for short (pronounced “Boo” for those not raised in south Louisiana).

Her question is one I hear often from loved ones, friends, and my internal Banter monologue:  What were you thinking?!?

For example, I recently played a 195-yard par-3 over water, stiff breeze into me, and I chose to hit a 5-iron.

Kerplunk, straight into the drink.  What was I thinking?

I ordered pizza using the Domino’s app the other day.  It’s quite neat, with that pizza tracker and whatnot.  

As I neared checkout, the app asked the following question, one that still haunts me: “Extra cheese on your pizza today?”

After careful deliberation, I clicked “No thanks.”  What on earth was I thinking?!?

My own struggles answering this question aside, I have several Banter stand-ins across the South to help me gauge the temperature of SEC fans, help me know what they’re thinking.  

These stand-ins are my SEC spies, if you will, who constantly feed me inside SEC scoops.  Careful though – they might try to sell you a puppy.

Here’s what SEC fans are thinking with two – just two! – games remaining in the regular season.  

SEC Fans in General and All of College Football:  We’ve seen this movie before.

Georgia Fans:  We got a shot at ‘Bama if Tua doesn’t... ah, whatever, we got no shot.

Florida Fans:  Lose to Kentucky for the first time since 1986, beat LSU, lose to Mizzou, barely beat South Carolina.  This season is bumpier than an alligator’s tail.  

South Carolina:  Yeah, we’re a serial 7-5 or 8-4 team, but it’s no sweat because we have a cool state flag and care more about eating and drinking and Charleston and the beach and Garden & Gun.   

Tennessee:  We might be bowl eligible!  Nothing beats Memphis on New Year’s Eve in the Liberty Bowl against a pathetic Big 12 team!

Missouri:  Resisting the strong sarcasm urge, I note the Tigers can finish a respectable 8-4 if they win out, and both remaining contests are on CBS’ SEC broadcast package, providing nice exposure for the Mizzou program.

Kentucky:  We’re all in for the Wildcats’ best football season in a generation!  Wait, we lost to lowly Tennessee last week 24-7?  What time’s tipoff in Rupp Arena?

Vanderbilt:  Sure, we’re 1-5 in the conference, but we beat Tennessee State 31-27 earlier this year, so take that!

Alabama:  We’ve seen this movie before but if we don’t act it out again, Coach Saban will yell at us, tell us we’re bad fans, and we don’t like that.

LSU:  We aren’t sure what our coach is saying or whether he can even coach football, but we’ll take an 8-2 record.

Auburn:  Fire Gus Malzahn!  (He has a $32 million buyout, proving pure negligence on the part of Auburn’s administration.)  

Mississippi State:  Who wants my tickets for Saturday’s 11 a.m. game against Arkansas?  Offered at $75 each.  Okay, $50.  $25?  Just take them.

Ole Miss:  We’re terrible, but hey, the Egg Bowl is on Thanksgiving night and we get to spend all day in the Grove, thank you very much.

Arkansas:  My SEC Banter stand-in/spy refuses to spend any more time in Fayetteville, Ark., so I got nothing.  

Texas A&M:  We Agriculturals can win eight games this regular season, meaning with Jimbo Fisher’s $7.5 million annual salary, each win will have cost us just under $1 million.  

If you’re not thinking along these lines about your SEC team, let me know and I’m happy to consider a correction in exchange for a nice steak dinner.

Meanwhile, my new puppy just soiled the rug and I owe the vet $575 for a three-minute check-up.  What was I thinking?!?


Ben Prevost writes SEC Banter during the college football season. He can be reached at SECbanter@hotmail.com

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