Why look for dirt when you have all of this success Mr. President? Why do you want to investigate a former vice president who’s running for the same office you occupy, and his son who’s a private citizen? I mean look around.
Have you not delivered on all of the promises you made in 2016?
Mexico has paid for the border wall and it has been built. Your tariff plan is making money for farmers in Iowa and Nebraska while saving the American consumer billions of dollars in disposable income. The tax law you signed and supported has led to 5% annual economic growth, and we might even balance this federal budget before you leave office in 2029. The cost of prescription drugs are on the decline and the opioid crisis is solved.
Your tweets to private citizens, American cities and states, especially those that didn’t give you electoral votes that are home to minority communities have united the nation like we haven’t seen since the 1860s. You have empowered women, even writing two of them checks for over $250,000 to hush on things I can’t write about on this page.
All around the world dictatorships and autocracies curse you while democracies hang your portrait in schools and churches.
But of all your successes, you have definitely owned the libs, specifically with guns and the environment. You tease them constantly after every mass shooting that you will get behind gun safety legislation that House Democrats passed months ago only to pull the football from them. Suckers!
And with the environment, this is where you do some of your finest work. We are taking light bulbs back to the 1980s and cars will use more gas not less if you win your lawsuit against California. Turn up the coal fire plants!
So with your approval ratings over 60% and with broad support around the world, this 2020 thing is a layup. The Democrats are left-wing, out-of-touch losers. They have no chance.
So why are you getting the Justice and State Departments to do somersaults for you in Ukraine? Poor Ukraine, they have the big bad Russians at their door and you won’t give them any love. You even have America’s Mayor, our beloved Rudy Giuliani in on this.
But Chris, it’s about the corrupt Bidens. Son Hunter took a board spot with a gas company. We can’t have children of politicians milking off their parent’s success. But the good news Mr. President is you only have two Biden children to investigate. Biden’s first wife and young daughter were killed in an auto accident in 1972 and later his adult son Bo died of brain cancer four years ago. Biden’s second wife is — gasp — a college professor and they had a daughter together (what is she up too?).
So Mr. President, relax. You got this. But you got yourself in this impeachment mess over a person who has no chance to beat you next year. Don’t worry, Senate Republicans have your back.