Today’s topic will not include commentary on a bunch of immature multimillionaires who play a kids’ game and who are being goaded by special interest groups into disrespecting a country that allows them the freedom to do so.
Neither will I be discussing the cranky mail I got from liberals swearing they are really and truly funnier than tree fungus, nor the protestations of the PGA (Predisposed Gaggle of Atheists) who claim that Dr. Gil Watson, the world’s greatest preacher, did not mildew their self-righteous knickers when he made it rain a few years back (with help from God, of course).
Instead, let us examine another of the many reasons why we are so blessed to live in the great state of Georgia, beyond sweet tea, pecans and Ray Charles Robinson, of Albany, Ga.
This has to do with our size. Georgia is the largest state east of the Mississippi River and the 24th largest overall. If we were an independent nation, we would be the 92nd largest by area in the world, ranking ahead of 108 of the 200 countries currently in existence. Eat your heart out, Connecticut.
From whence cometh this factoid? From the enterprising people at SelfStorage.com. In addition to locating, evaluating and reserving self-storage facilities for customers across the country, they were also clever enough to pique my interest with a recent release that asked, “If Georgia were a storage unit, what countries would fit inside?” Are these people good, or what?
For example, did you know we could fit Greece inside Georgia, even though a piece of it would extend over to South Carolina, assuming Greenville and Rock Hill wouldn’t mind the intrusion?
There might be some confusion about having two cities named Athens. There is one in Greece and we have one in Georgia. Their Athens has the Parthenon and a lot of statues of defunct gods. Ours has the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation. That’s the only Athens we need, thank you very much.
Ireland would fit nicely in our state, running roughly from Hartwell to Bainbridge. I would love to have Ireland if they would bring their breathtaking scenery with them.
On the other hand, we would have a decision to make about Korea. It turns out we could squeeze either of them into the state, but not at the same time. South Korea, I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t think we want that little fat squat with the big mouth and the bad haircut from North Korea.
The same is true for Nicaragua. If we took in Nicaragua, we would probably have to take persimmon-pussed actor Sean Penn, who definitely isn’t as funny as tree fungus and loves Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, who hates America. I had just as soon have that little fat squat from North Korea running around our state as Penn.
If we wanted to get greedy, we could put the Netherlands, Belgium and Switzerland in Georgia in one fell swoop. My concern is that to get them all in at the same time, Switzerland would end up right next to Alabama. I don’t think the Swiss would like that. They have very high standards in Switzerland.
Austria would fit perfectly in the state, running from Dalton to Brunswick. Unfortunately, the area would also include Malfunction Junction, aka, the city of Atlanta, where the sewers don’t work and neither do a number of its citizens. Since the capital of Austria is Vienna, I don’t think Austrians would consider Atlanta an upgrade over what they already have. I would agree.
Georgia could also absorb Taiwan, Bulgaria, Denmark and Iceland. I’m not sure what we would do with them, but it is nice to know we have the space, even if someone wanted to throw in Vermont and Rhode Island for good measure. But then, why would we want Vermont and Rhode Island? I’d rather have Bulgaria and Iceland.
I greatly appreciate the nice people at SelfStorage.com taking the time to bring this information to my attention, but I have the feeling that there isn’t much interest in getting any of the aforementioned countries to move to Georgia. They would just clog up our highways worse than they already are.
However, I would suggest we keep our options open to the thought of becoming an independent nation. With the choices we are facing this November in the presidential elections between Mr. Blather and Ms. Pinocchio, that may be our only hope.