A wild rumpus in response to recent historical tumult has spread across the country, and the Southeast isn’t immune to the hubbub.
Upset people are protesting an unfair result, Taking to the streets to decry a right denied from them. While common sense working-class folks might disagree, these protesters are not just losers with nothing better to do than throw a tantrum.
Their message, amplified by the media that pays them gratuitous attention, is simple: Make SEC football great again.
These tantrum-throwers claim the SEC lacks depth, evidenced by Alabama atop the polls, then falling all the way to No. 16 for the next SEC team, where three-loss Louisiana State resides.
The SEC will field only one team in the College Football Playoff, while the Big 10 might land two (Ohio State and Michigan). Heresy, these critics exclaim.
What’s more, some whiners complain the SEC West has an unfair advantage over its Eastern brethren. Exempting Georgia’s upset of Auburn last week, the SEC East has been weaker than airport bar drinks poured from bottles with those annoying plastic caps to govern the good stuff.
The despair from SEC East fans extends all the way back to 2008, when an East team last won the SEC Championship. The last time an Eastern Division team besides Georgia or Florida won the conference? That would be 1998, when Tennessee won and “Seinfeld” was the No. 1 show on television.
To compensate for George Costanza-like mediocrity, the SEC must change to make the conference more competitive. More fair, so everyone has a chance to win, regardless of effort or merit.
The first and most obvious step is banishing the University of Alabama. Just because that institution devoted more resources to its football program, hired the best coach, fostered an atmosphere of success and accomplishment, and along the way improved its academic standing gives it no right to win so many football games.
Next, the SEC should consider off-the-field factors to crown its champion. For example, award the SEC championship to the best all-around academic school. Sure, it might give scholastic powerhouse Ole Miss an advantage, but the Rebs haven’t won an SEC title since JFK was president, so they need a little help.
Tailgating could come into play, as well. The SEC championship could go to the best tailgating school — but then someone would have to tell Vanderbilt what tailgating is.
The conference should do away with divisions based on geography (or divisions of any kind, since the term “division” sounds like “divide,” and we wouldn’t want to offend any teams by dividing them).
You all know Missouri is in the SEC East, but do you know how long it takes to get from Mizzou to Kansas City? Waze tells me 1 hour and 49 minutes.
An SEC team is less than 2 hours from Kansas City!
With Bama out, academic performance in, and all-around merit no longer a factor, an official committee should select the SEC football champion. Committees are highly effective and efficient at reaching consensus, and empowering bureaucrats to make important decisions is good governance.
The movement is in motion. The protesters have spoken and, even if they didn’t vote, don’t hold a job, and have never been held accountable for anything of any consequence, they should be heard. It’s time to make SEC football great again.
As it turns out, I’ve been invited to join the Official Protesters’ Committee to Make SEC Football Great Again. Our next meeting is in Kansas City — only 1 hour and 49 minutes from an SEC college town!