With just ten days until SEC football's glorious return, we need to kill some time.
Watch nonstop CNN? No, thanks. Exercise? Meh. Play 36 holes of golf? Wife, family, and job somehow interfere.
Assign theme songs for every SEC team . . . Yes!
After all, I pick a motivational theme song every day to help me reach new heights. Today, for example, I chose "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett.
The song contributed to my superstar productivity until 12:30 pm, when the inspirational lyrics about it being "only half-past twelve" kicked in. I figure SEC teams will be equally inspired by my theme songs.
Fair warning to any Millennials out there: you won't find a tune in here post-1988. If that triggers you, have some avocado toast over brunch, wash it down with kombucha and dial up your Mumford & Sons playlist.
Here are SEC Banter's 2018 theme songs for every SEC team:
Georgia: "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock (1988). The Dawgs return super sophomore QB Jake Fromm, but No. 1 QB recruit Justin Fields wants early on-field action. For Kirby Smart, "it takes two [quarterbacks] to make a thing go right, it takes two to make it outta sight . . ."
South Carolina: "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner (1978). Will Muschamp has a pretty talented squad that could sneak up on folks. But if the Gamecocks come up short against UGA in week two, Muschamp will be "hot blooded, check it and see, he's got a fever of a hundred and three . . ."
Missouri: "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt (1975). If you can't figure out why I chose this uplifting song for the Tigers, the refrain helpfully elaborates: "You're no good, you're no good, you're no good. Baby you're no good."
Florida: "Welcome Back," the theme song from the hit 1970s sitcom, "Welcome Back Kotter." Like Gabe Kotter, Dan Mullen returns to his former school to teach a bunch of lowlife miscreants.
Kentucky: "Even the Losers" by Tom Petty (1979). Kentucky hasn't beaten Florida in 32 years. As the late, great Tom Petty belted out, "even the losers get lucky sometimes, even the losers keep a little bit of pride . . ."
Vanderbilt: "Only in My Dreams" by Debbie Gibson (1987). If the Commodores have an inkling of competing in the SEC East, surely they realize "no, only in my dreams, as real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams . . ."
Tennessee: "Starting Over Again" by Dolly Parton (1980). The Vols start over again, this time with Jeremy Pruitt at the helm. Coaching circles call this a great hire but I'm not buying it, and Dolly said it best: "Starting over again, never any end, when your dreams are all shattered . . ."
Alabama: "Roll On" by Alabama (1984). You just know Nick Saban's team will "roll on family, roll on crew, roll on [Tide] like I asked you to do . . ."
Auburn: "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds (1985). Most pundits pick Bama-Georgia in the SEC Championship and as the conference's most likely playoff contenders. But don't forget about Auburn's chances of putting their opponents in Saturday detention.
LSU: "Me and Bobby McGee" by Kris Kristofferson (Janis Joplin version) (1971). This song's first words are "busted flat in Baton Rouge," and if LSU's offense is as flat as Janis Joplin's tire, it'll be bye-bye Coach Uh-Oh.
Texas A&M: "Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News (1986). After opening up their Texas-sized checkbook to pay Jimbo Fisher $75 million over 10 years, the Aggies are singing "yes, it's true, I'm so happy to be stuck with you, 'cause I can see that you're happy to be stuck with me."
Mississippi State: "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money (1977). New MSU coach Joe Moorhead was on the fence about living in Starkville. Then, this Eddie Money classic blared out over Moorhead's FM dial, tipping the balance in favor of his move to paradise.
Ole Miss: I couldn't find a song about tailgating in the Grove, the best tailgate atmosphere in football. Someone just go ahead and write one, and country band Midland should sing it.
Arkansas: "One Step Forward" by The Desert Rose Band (1987). New coach Chad Morris promises Arkansas fans an up-tempo offense, but that defense is suspect, if not downright awful. "One step forward and two steps back, nobody gets too far like that..."