Ghosts, ghouls and goblins across the South — they’re huge SEC fans — know Halloween in the nation’s finest conference means one thing: the All Hallow’s Eve edition of SEC Banter.
Let’s have some fun. Turn up Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” the all-time greatest Halloween song. If you’re paranoid about privacy these days, then blast Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me.”
Prove you ain’t afraid of no ghost and rock out to Ray Parker Jr.’s “Ghostbusters.” Howl like a wolf to Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.” Heed Stevie Wonder’s warning of believing in things you don’t understand in his classic, “Superstition.”
If you’re the type who turns out the lights and hopes trick-or-treaters skip your house (get a life!), or you give out fruit instead of candy, you should read SEC Banter in total, eerie silence, similar to the sound of attending a Vanderbilt football game.
Still searching for a Halloween costume? I’ve got you covered, as SEC coaches inspire several ideas.
A Nick Saban costume works well if you’re vertically challenged. First, go to a tanning salon. Next, don a grey suit with a crimson tie and blow dry your hair for 30 minutes. Finally, act annoyed if someone talks to you, and unleash hell’s fury if anyone dares question you.
Speaking of hell, you can substitute a devil costume for a suit and still get that Nick Saban look.
A Les Miles costume doubles as an Elmer Fudd outfit. Les and Elmer wear hats in the same goofy style, speak with an unusual cadence, and often can’t get out of their own way. We still love them anyway.
If you can act immature and like you’re about to lose your job, consider a Will Muschamp costume. Of course, stone-washed jorts, tank top, and a mullet wig make for the classic Florida fan costume.
Not satisfied with the above costume ideas? Expand your selection by dipping into the enormous pool of college football coaches named Mike. Bear with me here. I sometimes wonder whether, if you’re named Mike, you have a 75 percent chance of becoming a college football coach.
Between just 2000-2003, Alabama employed a wonderfully successful trio of Mikes: Mike DuBose, Mike Price, and Mike Shula. Outside the SEC, we’ve got Mike Leach (Washington State), Mike Riley (Oregon State), Mike London (Virginia), Mike Gundy (Oklahoma State), and Mike MacIntyre (Colorado), along with former coaches Mike Belotti (Oregon) and Mike Stoops (Arizona).
And don’t even start with NFL coaches named Mike. There’s Mike Ditka, Mike Smith, Mike McCarthy, Mike Tomlin, Mike Nolan, Mike Shanahan, Mike Tice, Mike Zimmer, Mike McCoy . . . more Mikes than clueless victims in 1980s slasher films, and that’s a lot.
We turn now to Saturday’s key contests:
Florida vs. No. 9 Georgia: A Georgia win all but ensures Will Muschamp’s status among the walking dead, as no Florida coach can survive an 0-4 career record against UGA.
By the way — and this is not good news to Georgia fans given my stellar predictions this season — I’m now taking the Dawgs to win the SEC Championship against Alabama.
No. 4 Auburn at No. 7 Ole Miss: This is a tougher call than deciding between Twix or Reese’s peanut butter cups for Halloween candy. Last week, Auburn gave up 35 points to South Carolina at home and Ole Miss was dominated by LSU’s rushing attack.
I’ll take the Tigers as the Rebels’ defense can’t stop the bleeding.
Arkansas at No. 1 Mississippi State: Scary that Arkansas has not won a conference game in over two years. Even scarier is the fear felt by MSU coach Dan Mullen’s wife if her husband doesn’t land another job and get the couple out of Starkville.
State continues its romp through the SEC as the showdown with Alabama creeps closer.
Happy Halloween, SEC fans, and enjoy the first Saturday of November.
In the meantime, I’m paranoid from listening to “Somebody’s Watching Me” and believe someone is, in fact, watching me. It could be Jason from “Friday the 13th” or, worse, a football coach named Mike. Help!