Your 3-year-old has a meltdown in the grocery store. You feel like everyone is watching and waiting to see your next move. Some folks are just dying to tell you what you ought to do. You feel like every eye is on you (you’re probably right). So, what do you do about your wailing and thrashing child as the entire world looks on?

Probable cause for the tantrum: either he is not getting something he wants or he is overwhelmed. Either way, you want it to end and never happen again.

Prevention of tantrums is often your best defense. Shopping with children who are fed, rested, entertained or involved to some degree in the excursion often prevents meltdowns. Keeping outings fairly brief and age-appropriate, and providing outlets for pent up energy in small children is effective as well. But sometimes despite your best efforts, children will still find a "reason" to vent and fall apart. Then what?

First of all, do not overreact. Demanding that the child get up, stop crying, etc., will only serve to accelerate the problem. Refrain from name calling and demeaning the child. Likewise, whining from the parent for the child to stop puts the child in the driver’s seat as he has now been given the message he is indeed controlling the situation.

If the child is in the early stages of tumult, you may still be able to distract him. Pull out a toy or get him involved in an activity. Show her something exciting in the room and talk about it.

If possible, continue with your activity as long as you can see your child and his behavior is not disruptive for the situation. A screamer in a bowling alley is different than a screamer in a house of worship. Do not reinforce the behavior with attention by continually trying to stop the behavior. Negative reinforcement is a wonderful motivator!

Make sure children are safe. Tantrums are frightening for parents and children. Tantrums can be dangerous. Children can hurt themselves by bumping their heads or hitting their swinging arms or legs on solid objects. When you face a tantrum, begin responding by making sure your child is safe. You may go to a rest room, a grassy area, or even to the back seat of your car where he can finish his tantrum away from onlookers. It will be easier to deal with a tantrum if neither of you has an audience. Remain calm, composed and determined. Your child will begin to realize that acting out is a waste of his time as well as yours.

Don’t give in. If you give into a tantrum, your child may learn to use tantrums to get what he or she wants. For example, if he is allowed to stay in dirty clothes because he has a tantrum, your child may throw a tantrum the next time you ask him to change clothes. Also, don’t buy a toy or give a forbidden food to stop a tantrum.

Use a sense of humor. Self-deprecating humor such as "I know, I am such a mean Mommy for not letting you have that bag of candy!" not only lightens the situation for everyone, it gives onlookers and eavesdroppers an opportunity to understand the situation a little better without confrontation.

Sometimes, parents simply have to leave the event with their child in order to help him calm himself down as well as to take both of you out of the limelight. Calmly explain to your child that when he stops crying he can go back to the party, store, etc.

Never scold with a threat to hit your child. Spanking your child or screaming at him won’t solve the problem. There have been several cases where legal action was taken against parents who were observed striking their child in public.

Be cordial to people who offer advice. They may really want to be helpful if they have been there themselves. Or they may want to derail an already frazzled parent. A simple "Thank you for the advice; I’ll consider that," creates a calmer, more peaceful situation for everyone, including your child.

Talk afterward. Don’t try to talk to your child about his behavior while he is still upset. Wait until after the tantrum is over and then discuss with your child how he can better deal with his anger and frustration rather than kicking, biting and screaming.

Your child is not the first one who ever acted out in public and he won’t be the last. Addressing the behavior with positive parenting skills, planning ahead and communicating expectations to your child will go a long way to help reduce the number of incidents in the future.

As hard as it is, keep calm and don’t give up. Children need their parents to teach them to understand and control their feelings. Tantrums usually decrease when children learn how to talk about their feelings and ask for help.

Debbie Wilburn is county extension agent in family and consumer science with the Hall County Extension.
Her Family Ties column appears in Sunday Life on the first Sunday of each month. Contact: 770-535-8290.