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SEC Banter: A scary 'All Hallow's Eve' in the SEC

POSTED: October 30, 2013 9:49 p.m.

It’s All Hallow’s Eve in the SEC, and you know what that means.

Actually, I have no idea what it means, but if you say “All Hallow’s Eve in the SEC” in a spooky voice, it’s kind of fun. And, All Hallow’s Eve sounds much more dramatic than Halloween.

We know life is better in the SEC. The conference has claimed seven straight national championships and is home to college football’s tastiest cuisine (Baton Rouge), best music scene (Athens), finest bourbon (Lexington), most dominant program (Tuscaloosa), jort-wearing champions of the world (Gainesville, Fla.) and prettiest girls (Oxford).

Can we all agree that Halloween in the SEC is better, too? If you’re unprepared to make the strong connection between SEC football culture and Halloween, humor me. It’s All Hallow’s Eve, darn it, and SEC Banter can’t help but pen a Halloween-inspired column!

Grab a handful of candy corn and embark on a scary survey of the nation’s finest football conference, SEC Banter style.

Over in the SEC West, Alabama is scary and, by scary, I mean scary good. With a cupcake schedule, Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide should return to Atlanta for the SEC Championship, dispose of an outmatched team from the East, and secure a shot at a third consecutive national championship. Yikes.

Speaking of Saban, given his lighthearted and fun-loving demeanor, do you think he has candy for trick-or-treaters at his house tonight? Or, does he turn off the lights with hopes that kids will skip his house?

On the off chance he has candy, I reckon kids will be scared out of their boots if Saban answers the door. Heck, if I were a kid, I’d prefer a real-life Dracula answer the door over Saban.

I’d like to hit Les Miles’s house if I’m trick-or-treating. Maybe he’d be in an Elmer Fudd costume. It sure wouldn’t require much effort.

Miles already wears his hat funny like Elmer Fudd and employs that incredibly odd cadence. I’m not sure Les hunts wabbits in his spare time, but at this point nothing about the man would surprise me.

Continuing the costume theme, SEC Banter suggests that Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen don a costume as Cousin Eddie from 1983’s “National Lampoon’s Vacation.” Go ahead and Google pictures of Mullen and Cousin Eddie. Uncanny resemblance.

And, with Mullen’s ho-hum track record in Starkville, I wonder if some real tomato ketchup and hamburger helper from Cousin Eddie might do the Bulldogs good.

No amount of good ol’ hamburger helper can help this week’s slate of games, which is scary. By scary, I mean scary bad. Kentucky vs. Alabama State, Texas A&M vs. UTEP, and the schedule I’m reading indicates that Alabama, LSU, Ole Miss and Vanderbilt all play a team with the acronym BYE. Not sure how that will shake out.

Moving eastward, the SEC Eastern Division race is one big, scary hot mess. One week it’s Georgia’s to lose, then Missouri takes the driver’s seat, then South Carolina stakes its claim. Scary to think that even Tennessee still has a mathematical chance to win the division.

If a cocktail party can be scary bad, this Saturday’s Georgia-Florida affair certainly qualifies.

It’s the first time since the glorious Jimmy Carter administration that both teams enter the contest unranked. Not since the Roaring ‘20s have Georgia and Florida come in riding multiple-game losing streaks. Injuries to star players have decimated both teams.

Sounds like the Dawgs and Gators could use a cocktail in Jacksonville.

SEC Banter could also honcho a cocktail. Trick-or-treaters will arrive shortly and I need to get ready. I’m dressing up in a menacingly intimidating costume that will scare the socks off kids. Anyone have a Nick Saban mask I can borrow?

Ben Prevost is a contributing columnist for The Times. Follow him on Twitter @SECbanter or contact him at SECbanter@hotmail.com.



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